My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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