I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You ate ashes out of my bong
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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