when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
