then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
