does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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