went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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