im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
