Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
