my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
