you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
