I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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