i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
