i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
