There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
