Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
