JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
His hands were made for my vagina.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
