i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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