you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
