Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
