Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
