Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
