if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
