I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
