i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
