Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
