Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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