the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
