Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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