I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there's paper in my vomit.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
