I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
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