I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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