I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
