The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
