Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
birth control should be required to get into college
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
