i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
