Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
no you cant smoke seaweed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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