Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
