i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
