If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
