I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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