she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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