is your mom at the bar?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
