I wish I only lived at night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
