Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
