Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
