It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
