fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
