my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
wow bdsm is so cute
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
