the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
