how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
