I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
